Talk About Stimulus Money

Do you get excited when you’re withdrawing cash from the ATM and out pops a wad of perfectly crisp new bills? Well, those grand moments may be all over for you.

In what researchers describe as the largest, most comprehensive analysis to date of cocaine contamination in banknotes, scientists are reporting that cocaine is present in up to 90% of paper money in the United States, particularly in large cities such as Baltimore, Boston and Detroit. Don’t worry if you live in the nation’s capital. While Washington, DC wasn’t mentioned as an example, it’s not because they don’t make the cut—it seems as though DC is overqualified. The scientists found traces of cocaine in 95% of the banknotes analyzed from Washington, D.C., alone. Just to provide a reference, banknotes analyzed in China and Japan had between 12 and 20 % contamination.

Why is this? Has the economy got everyone so down in the dumps they have to turn to cocaine? What’s troubling is that cocaine stays in your system for only about 2 days, while random drug tests run every few months. Our legislators could be passing us by in more ways than one.
Although the amount found on most bills was not enough to pose a risk to one’s health, it’s possible to cause a false positive drug test in someone who handles cash regularly (like store clerks and bankers). This could present a huge problem. Many jobs that require money handling also require security clearances and drug tests. Wouldn’t that also give any police officer with a drug-sniffing dog probable cause to search your home or vehicle?

I wonder what Marion Barry has to say about this story, since he’s probably wishing someone would have told him this so he could have blamed it on the a-a-a-dirty bills.